Does your partner often feel distant and you struggle to connect? do you feel like your partner nags you? or is too demanding and you wish you had more pace? If you're single does it often seem like when you're getting close to someone they become distant or even ghost you? Do you frequently feel that people want too much from you? Do you experience problems in your current relationship or in a past relationship that seem to follow similar patterns? if so then this is for you.
Today we're going to talk about the single biggest most consistent factor that is impacting all of your relationships that you've probably never heard of - Your attachment style. Your attachment style is something that developed in the first years of life. While it's estimated that around half of us have what's called a secure attachment style, the rest of us have an insecure attachment style. And that's where a lot of our relationship challenges come from.
I'm going to ask you six questions and for each question there will be three options to choose from. Pick the option that most resonates with you and put a tick next to the corresponding column on your piece of paper. Ready here we go!
Question 1. You're at a party or other social function and you see your partner interacting with someone in a way that seems flirtatious.
-
Option-1 you take it in your stride because you trust your partner.
(give yourself a tick in the c column) -
Option-2 you become jealous and ask your partner to justify themselves.
(put a tick in the a column) -
Option-3 you don't say anything about it but withdraw from your partner. Maybe you're cold or distant the rest of the night.
(put a tick in the b column )
Question 2. When you start to feel close to someone you do what?
-
Option-1 you enjoy the feeling and look forward to seeing where the relationship goes.
(put a tick in the c column) -
Option-2 you start daydreaming about where and when your wedding will take place.
(put a tick in the a column) -
Option-3 you put on the brakes to ensure things aren't moving too fast.
(put on the breaks put a tick in column b)
Question 3. When it comes to relationships in your life:
-
Option-1 you look to others to provide you with a sense of security.
(put a tick in column a) -
Option-2 you have more acquaintances than friends or a romantic partner but that's fine because you can take care of yourself.
(put a tick in column b) -
Option-3 you have a variety of relationships in your life and you enjoy being able to rely on others for support as well as having others rely on you.
(put a tick in column c)
Question 4. The best relationships:
-
Option-1 feel uncomplicated.
(give yourself a take in column b) -
Option-2 feel like a team.
(give yourself a tick in column c) -
Option-3 feel safe.
(give yourself a tick in column a )
Question 5. I sometimes are often worried that:
-
Option-1 my partner will leave me.
(give yourself a tick in column a) -
Option-2 my partner wants too much from me
(give yourself a tick in column b) -
Option-3i sometimes worry about issues with my partner but generally i don't have big overall worries or anxieties about the relationship.
( give yourself a tick in the c column)
Question 6. When my partner and i disagree
-
Option-1 i generally feel comfortable expressing my thoughts and opinions
(give yourself a tick in column c) -
Option-2 i feel nervous to say how i feel
(give yourself a tick in column a) -
Option-3i try to say as little as possible.
(give yourself a tick in column b)
If you have most of your takes under letter A it's likely of more of an anxious attachment style. If you have the anxious attachment style, this is for you. I want to give a shout out some of the following information on attachment styles is from counselor adam Young who is a licensed clinical social worker you can check out his work. If that describes you again, nothing to feel bad about here. This is just information that you can use in a helpful way to become aware.
If you scored mostly letter b in the quiz you likely have an avoidant attachment style. According to estimates which again vary a bit about 20 percent of people have this style.
If you mostly answered letter c you have a primary secure attachment style. This is the most common attachment style with estimates that around 50 to 55 of us have secure attachment.
Incidentally you won't see many secure types portrayed in popular programming because they make for the least drama. Remember chandler from friends, his high anxiety and fear over losing Monica and his jealousy and reluctance to believe she truly loved him revealed his anxious attachment style. You can also think of tony stark, aka iron man as a classic avoidant type. Remember how he would use his sarcasm and obsession with technology to try and keep people from getting close to him and avoid emotional interactions.
Now that you know the attachment styles you can even play a game with your partner or friends watching shows and identifying the different characters styles. How do we take this information we learned from the test about our own attachment style and use it in a positive way in our current or future relationships? Here are three steps to doing that.
Step One: step one is to give yourself a chance to digest and process what you just learned. There's a lot there! Some of you will want to do that by yourself. Others process things by talking them out. I'll advise you that if your partner wants to process by themselves and you want to talk it out maybe connect with a friend or other loved one you can talk to so you can give your partner a bit of space to process what they've learned.
Step Two: step two is for you and your partner to share what you've learned about yourselves with the other person. You're not going to focus on the relationship at this point, you're going to take turns sharing what you've learned while the other partner just listens. If you're the listener i want you to resist the temptation to comment on what the other person is sharing. Your role at this point is only to listen. If you need to say something you can acknowledge i hear you or yes i'm listening or what i'm hearing you say is and making sure that you're on the right path.
Step Three: step three is going to be having that conversation where you discuss what you've learned about your attachment style and your partner's impact your understanding of the dynamics of your relationship. I think this is an opportunity to exercise compassion.
Hopefully now you have a greater understanding of what's behind a repeat pattern or a problem. I really hope that these attachment styles are going to help you form more self-awareness and a deeper bond with the people in your life. Having this awareness allows you to connect with people with more compassion more love which will improve the quality and the health of all of your interactions.
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