People don't know how they want to receive love, and they don't know how to give love. The old wisdom is like to love and be loved is the biggest need but we don't know how to love and how to give love. We carry so much of our baggage from previous relationships and experiences and we bring them into a new person. It's like that person treated me like that, that must mean all men or all women are like that. Which means now when I’m with this woman I’m going to look at her through the lens of the last person. You're approaching each person with the baggage of the last person, which doesn't make sense. You're not coming at it from a fresh new experience with the same lessons for yourself, but we start playing the lessons to the other person. That's the reason why we struggle to have an intimate connection.
Let’s look at the five types of attraction: these are physical, financial , mental , emotional , and spiritual . Physical is obvious. She or he is attracted to them, financial or wealth: i like what they own, I like what they have, i like what they've achieved I like that he went to Princeton or Harvard. I like that she's a scientist or a CEO. I like that she's a supermodel, like you like their status right, so you're attracted to that. The third thing that we're attracted to is people's mental abilities. This is like when you're attracted to someone's mind. like you just love the way they think, you love the way they articulate themselves you love all of that like you're attracted to that. The fourth is the emotional, this is when you're attracted to someone's emotional intelligence. You're like oh they're very caring, they're compassionate, they're supportive they have these good traits. The fifth and final one is spiritual where you're like you're connected to that person's values on a very deep level, like what they really live by.
Notice the first three I equate them to chemistry. And the last two I equate to compatibility. Most of us get involved in a relationship based on the first three. But here's the issue, you can feel chemistry multiple times per day. You can feel it with the receptionist, you can feel it with your personal trainer, you can feel it with the barista at the coffee shop, you can feel it with the waiter or the waitress, you can find someone attracted by one of those qualities every single day. And the challenge is we get into a relationship based on simply one of the first three. There's nothing wrong with that as a starting point, but it just can't be the end point. What we do is we keep convincing ourselves that the first three of chemistry is more powerful than the last two of compatibility and we're letting chemistry do the heavy weightlifting. That's why so many people rely on good sex to save a relationship.
Chemistry really easily is those top three and which is good to have so you should and but you can't just say because I’m mentally attracted to how that person thinks, that's good marriage material - that's not good enough. We make broad generalizations, we say things like oh because he or she has a top degree from a top college or a business school and they're at a top company they must be really kind loving and organized - it's like what!? like how did you draw that parallel? So that's the way I would talk about entering a relationship, it can start with the first three but don't let it end without the last two.
Balancing being of service to others
I think the challenge is that we become overly compassionate often to people in a certain way. What I mean by that is being compassionate and being giving isn't about spending your whole day with one person who needs your attention and affection if your purpose is to do something different. I think the mistake we make is when we are overly compassionate to one person, we're doing it expecting that they're going to do something back. You have to protect yourself and I think self-protection and being honest with yourself is the best way.
My favorite analogy in this is if someone's drowning in the ocean if you're fit and healthy and you're a lifeguard great you can go and save them but if you're not you might need to call the real lifeguard to come and help them out. And that's what real compassion is, real compassion if you can't help someone if you're feeling toxic one day you're feeling negative one day you're feeling you're not really giving from your heart, it's better to introduce them to someone or find someone else who can help them than to go in there with all these toxic emotions and now you're expecting them to return the favor, it's better to not do it. If you're gonna do something and in your heart of hearts you're actually feeling bitter and regretting it it's better not to do it because guess what you weren't compassionate when you did it with that intention.
Compassion is about intention, it's not about the result like two people could give the same amount to charity one person gives it for PR one person gives it because they care about the kids. Who's happy? the person who gave it for the kids. Both people's money had the same impact, but the intention is what defined what happened. So if you're begrudgingly going out there and helping someone and in your heart you're like oh I can't believe they asked me, who are they, like I don't even like them, like they never help me, and then you help them, guess what that's not compassion.
Protect yourself, deal with it, deal with that toxic emotion. I don't help people that when I feel like that. I’ll be honest with them I’ll say I don't think I can support you on this because I don't feel right about it. like it's not the right fit. I think that's actually stopping yourself from being a people pleaser. Because we actually are not compassionate, we're just people pleasers, we actually just want people to think we're like magnanimous and amazing so we'll go and go to every you know everything to support everyone but it's like we're resentful people pleasers.
So, I make a conscious effort to support the people I love to make an effort with the people I love and do more there and that's fine. Your compassion doesn’t have to be this overarching person who's like doing it for everyone. That's part of the journey it's going to take time to get there.
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